Tag Archives: loss

To Cutie, With Love

30 Dec

I called my mother cutie when I was little. I don’t know how the name started, but it stuck until I became an embarrassed tween. She loved the name, and any chance to retrieve a piece of her little girl, as I was her youngest of three.  But even though I grew up and cutie turned to mommy to mother and back to mommy, and we went through leukemia and lost my mother three years ago today, I still remember cutie and the way she smiled when I used that nickname.

I often had hoped that while going through her things I would find a letter that she had written to me and tucked away, something that I could treasure and read over and over again. But as her closet was packed away last year and drawers emptied out to charities, no such letter was ever found.

When you lose a loved one, it seems you often think back to the moments you were not gracious to that person even if you were gracious many times over. These times play out in your head and break your heart as you wish you could go back and relive it with a different outcome. One such time was when she gave me what I deemed  at the time an old-fashioned, over-sentimental music box that I would probably not use. It was of plain brown wood and played the old hymn “How Great Thou Art”. I dug out the box today from my closet just to remember it, and to reclaim an old memory. This time though I realized that the top of the box had a pre-written inscription, a letter if you will that read:

Dearest Daughter,

I’m so proud of you.

You’re a blessing.

From God above.

Your a precious daughter and friend.

You have filled my life with love.

I found my letter. The one I always wanted to find. To me, from cutie, with love.

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